I felt a lacking, a need for more.

These last months I've been working on my feeling of lack. Of not having enough. Of always needing more.
I realized I've been living from the mentality of not having enough and needing more for as long as I can remember.

Not enough money.
Not enough strenght.
Not enough love.
Not enough depth in friendships.
Not enough depth in connection.

I was struggling to keep my head above water and keep pushing and forcing. It always worked for a short span of time before snapping back at me and turning into self sabotage.

As I kept facing frustration over not achieving what I longed for and kept hitting my head against the same wall over and over multiple times, I again realized I should just accept my situation.
What am I missing here?
What was I not seeing?

I actually have as much wealth as I needed at the moment.
I have friendships and love, as much as I need and can handle with the time I have.
I can create more depth in my current friendships if I'd just dare to be more vulnerable, more present in the moment.

So I already have what I'm looking for but I was just lacking in the courage to surrender.
The courage to honestly express myself.
The courage to express my own desires.
The courage to trust the process, as cliché as that may sound.
Trust that I have enough right now.

Surrender to your inner abyss.
There is nothing.
Then, keep surrendering until only light remains.
You already have everything.

Reshaping my path

These last few months have been a huge leap for me in consciousness, and a change in attitude. Reintegrating pieces of me that I've been rejecting and denying. Reintegration of my parents in me has been challenging to say the least because I tried in so many ways to not be like them.

But like pushing away the shadow, pushing away the traits of the parents that we have in us has massive backlash that overemphasizes the negative aspects instead of the positive. I started to embody the dark traits unconsciously instead of the light and positive traits.

It's like I'm slowly waking up to myself and reshaping myself.
Through meditation and conscious discernment that arises daily I'm sculpting myself into a new person.

This work takes a lot of integrity, self-honesty. Making apologies to people I harmed with my behaviour as I look at past interactions. Coming face to face with the backlash and letting in the emotion that's associated.

Telling myself that I wasn't a bad person, that I did what I thought was the best course of action at the time, but that my behaviour needs adjustment.

Every day again, a small course correction, constantly reshaping my path.